Gotcha?

Happy National Adoption Month:  To promote awareness for children in foster care in the United States. It began  as National Adoption Week in 1976 by Governor Michael Dukakis and it was declared by President Reagan in 1984. Then it was expanded to a whole month by President Clinton. 

The Adoption Series will feature those in the adoption triad: The Birth Family, Adoptee, Adoptive Family. There may be differing opinions among those in the adoption community and that is ok. It is important to respect other's opinions and sometimes one can learn from someone's different opinions.

This week in The Adoption Series: The Adoptive Family.

 Lanaya and her husband have the privilege of parenting two beautiful girls who joined their family through international adoption. Adoption makes their family a whole lot more beautiful, and brings unique challenges to the table. This has driven her in her pursuit of adoption education, particularly from adoptee and birthparent voices, which she seeks to elevate in the adoption community. She believes passionately in the value of every human life and the incredible grace of God. She loves to read and learn, especially on the topic of adoption. She and her family live in Alberta, Canada. Connect with Lanaya on Instagram lanaya graham, and through her blog found at lanayagraham

Please Remember that this post doesn't represent the opinions or experiences of all Adoptive Families. This post only represents the thoughts and experiences of Lanaya and her family.

Have you ever been in a situation that just made you feel icky? Have you ever felt like you were just an object to be used for someone else’s entertainment or gain? Maybe you were a kid on the playground that somehow knew you were the butt of a joke but didn’t get it. Maybe you were walking down the street and had a stranger cat call then snicker with a buddy. Maybe you took a stand for an injustice and had someone laugh in your face. 

I bet at one time or another we’ve all felt this way. Maybe we’ve even been the one to make the jab. It just feels gross to be objectified like that. It feels awkward and leaves us unsure of our footing. Maybe we are mad, maybe we are sad. Undoubtedly we are hurt.

Remembering how we felt when we were objectified is the best way to gain empathy when we are listening to the stories of adoptees who feel objectified within their adoption stores. We need to try and imagine how they feel when they speak, even if haven’t had the same experience or feelings about a similar experience. One way in which I have tried really hard to honouradoptees’ feelings is by changing the language I use when I talk about my children and about adoption in general.

From intentionally listening to adoptees, I have heard over and over that the phrase “gotcha day” makes many of them feel objectified, less than and commoditized. Like they were something to be purchased or owned. I stop and think about the connotation of that word, it makes perfect sense! When we play tag and call out “gotcha!” as we tag someone, we are claiming a victory. We become the winner, and someone else the looser. When we use “gotcha” at the end of a prank, we are lording our prowess over the person who is now the butt of the joke. We gain the upper hand, while someone else is left feeling powerless and resentful. I might use this phrase if I snag the last jug of milk at the grocery store, when I catch a pest in my home, or when I find a long lost t-shirt behind my freezer. 

I know there are adoptees who are not offended by this phrase just like there are people of every minority who still use older terms to refer to themselves. However, I believe this is a simple, easy change that I can make- even if not all adoptees are offended by it. In my mind, even if only a few people are offended by this phrase, it is worth it to me to find another. 

My husband and I have a few very special days in our hearts as the parents of children who joined our family via adoption, rather than biology. Right now we choose to call these days “family days” and try to do something special for and with the child who we are celebrating. But I say this cautiously because we hold these traditions VERY loosely. I know my children have complex feelings about adoption. All their thoughts and emotions are valid as they change, shift and grow. If there comes a point when my child feels that their “family day” is more of a funeral than a birthday party, we shall mark the day as they see fit. Or not mark it at all. Or call it something different. Or do something else to acknowledge their grief. These days mark a lot of change. And it’s not all win-win. There is way too much loss to make it simple, or to deny adoptees the right to choose how they wish to remember the significant days on the calendar. 

If you are reading this and struggle with the change, or feel frustrated with keeping up with PC language. Here are a few questions: If your child likes this phrase, might it be because they’ve never been given an option to think of this day differently? If you use this phrase, is your tradition more important than adoptees who have been hurt by this language? Is there an area of your life where you have felt frustrated by someone refusing to acknowledge your pain because they have never experienced it?

As parents by adoption, let’s press into adoptee driven education. Let’s not be quick to dismiss their experiences. When they share their thoughts, they risk great criticism and rejection, so let’s not let their vulnerability be in vain.